from the desk of... candidate 1

Ugh.

Sadly, I haven't been keeping up with blogging like I should. To my surprise it has become less fun for me to do. Instead, both blogging and the job search process has become extremely anxiety producing for me. Schools aren't calling when they say they would, schools are extending offers but not closing their process. Needless to say, it isn't exactly what I expected. And to further it, there seems to be a high level of dissonance between what I cognitively know and how I feel. Moreover, this experience has been one to teach me how to manage my emotions. As I type, I recognize all of these things would be great to blog about. I am just not sure I can. My nervousness and anxiety has pushed me to a place of anger and frustration, and shows a side of me that I don't like.

I apologize. I was extremely excited to blog. It seemed like the perfect way to talk about my experience. And at the beginning it was. However, now I am at a place where my expectations are not being matched by the experience and I am not reacting in a way that makes me proud.

The funny part is that I imagine my outlook to change if I were offered my #1 job today. However, what does that mean about how I responded in the interim. That's the part that scares me. This is not going to be my last job search, nor the last experience that causes me to feel this way. And getting what I want isn't the magic answer. Simply, what do I do with the space in between?